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    Planes of Parody

    By Sam Smith

  • Now even MORE ultimate!

    Do you go goggle-eyed when confronted with nice sounding words like 'ultimate'? Well I have got great news for you!

    For a long time, EverQuest have been bundling expansions you have already got together in exciting, new, ultimate expansion packs.

    But now, there is news of an expansion more ultimate than any other expansion! EverQuest Platinum! This contains every expansion to date, except, of course, Omens of War. Like most expansion packages, the product description is... The ULTIMATE EverQuest expansion pack. Bear in mind that once Omens of War has been around a bit, a new, more ultimater expansion pack will inevitably hit the shelves.

    Based on my calculations, EverQuest Platinum is in fact 416.9% as ultimate as the first 'ultimate' EverQuest expansion! That's over 110% MORE ULTIMATE than EverQuest Gold!

    The exact number of ultimate expansion packs is unknown, but experts estimate the number to be around 46. However, many of these became extinct, never made it to the shelves, or were sold only in some special offers in select areas. Here are some of the lesser known ultimate EverQuest expansion bundles:

  • The spectacular 'Super-Velius' package, containing no less than 6 copies of the Scars of Velius expansion; for a single account, activated conveniently through a single activation code, and compressed, using the latest advances of technology, onto a single disc. For some strange reason this never made it into the shops.
  • The EverQuest 'Lifetime' deal, available only as part of a special offer from a gang of murderous powergamers. The product is advertised as 'If you want to live, you will pass me all your EverQuest stuff, send me some damn phat l00t, hand over whatever's in your wallet and get down on your knees, close your eyes and open your mouth...' This was on sale for various prices, depending on the venue and contents of 'customer's' wallet.
  • The EverQuest 'Macintosh' expansion package. This was released as an April fools day joke, and as an ill thought out result some players are still sticking it out to this day. Sony was going to tell them, but they just didn't have the heart to make them look foolish and stop the money coming in.

    However, I think the amount of 'ultimate' expansion packages made available to the general public, is probably around 4. That means that EverQuest Platinum is not only ultimate, but it's quadro-ultimate. Now if a big flashy word like THAT can't convince you, what will!

    Ultimate expansion packages can't keep coming forever! Eventually, Sony will run out of catchy names. They have already run through the decent metals, how can you top platinum? Platinum+ perhaps? Or we might see more names along the lines of 'EverQuest Evolution', for example 'EverQuest: Darwin Edition', 'EverQuest Amputation', 'EverQuest Expultion' and, of course, 'EverQuest Big-Expansion-Pack-Thingy-Which-This-Time-Is-REALLY-REALLY-Ultimate'.

    Ten years down the line, we will be playing 'EverQuest Supernova 9'. Twenty years from now unique names for the ultimate expansion packs will have been abandoned altogether, due to mounting trademarking fees. Instead, we will be playing the newly released 'EverQuest AG4C'.

    Round about this time, people will realize these expansions aren't quite as ultimate as they used to be, and The Station Store will have to fall back on their other product lines. This won't be quite so bad though, because EverQuest merchandise will have taken the logical step from watches, rucksacks and lighters, to EverQuest cars, casinos, robots and the EverQuest space station.

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