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    Planes of Parody

    By Sam Smith

  • The definitive EverQuest 2 Preview!

    Most traditional previewers are very set in their ways, choosing to have something to asses before making their judgments.

    They also have some strange traditions, such as posting to review sites rather than going on about it, completely off topic, on some unrelated humor site that nobdody reads. Elitists!

    However, being a (very bored) 'forward thinking' individual, I'm going to make MY preview solely from the poster on

    The first thing you notice upon visiting the site, is the two large central figures. The one on the right, being a massively hardened warrior who has taken all the shots life has to offer and endured a lifetime of hardships and pain, is naturally decked out in a big suit of armor and carries a gigantic sword.

    The figure on the left, being a young girl who looks somewhat fragile, and has been about as hardened as a somewhat deflated baloon, is naturally protected by a cunningly placed bandanna to the midsection. This leads on to my next point, the graphical advancements of EQ2. As you can see, there has been a substantial increase in cleavage size in EQ2, which is a testament to the more powerful graphics engine's rendering capacity, with the boobies in question being far too large and resource consuming to be displayed in the original game.

    Not only this, but the rendering capacity is dramatically improved, notice the inter-chest shadows and light manipulation, and the advanced texture rendering techniques it employs.

    Here, for your ease of comparison, is a statistical evaluation of the graphical power of EQ1 and EQ2, as determined by Norrath's most common benchmark test:

    A chart displaying cleavage rendering ability.
    As you can see, the graphics improvements are substantial, with a full 140% improvement over the original release.

    The poster is cunningly set out as a movie poster, so I will pretend to be cultured and asses it's box office potential. The main ingredients are all there, your hardened action hero, the sexy heroin, a ridiculously unbelievable plot about exploding moons and goblins, complete with a supporting cast of 36DD extras. Judging from the flame in the palm of her hand, there is also a suitably huge special effects budget. It looks like it has everything it needs to become a box office smash.

    But wait, whats this? The names of the actors assuming the lead roles, which is obviously an essential ingredient in any movie. "Antonia Bayle", while not the worlds most famous actor, is a name I am sure I have heard somewhere. "Lucan D'lore", while being a name I am not familiar with, seems to have a suitably manufactured name to break into showbiz, and so my hopes remain high. I continue to scan the list of main roles, and then I stop. "Yourself".

    This is a massive breech of trust. If I was going to star in their movie, they could of at least told me. On the plus side, however, my agent has proved himself to be very productive, finding me a leading part incredibly quickly, in fact, sometime before I have even began to consider an acting career, let alone hire him. When I do hire him, I will be sure to leave a generous tip.

    The downside to this, is that it is a name I do recognize. Unfortunately, I know me, and I am a bad actor. Sorry folks, but it looks like we have been let down by a rather severe casting misjudgement.

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